Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

Somebody’s lying.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim