The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
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I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
felt that
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP