The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
