The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
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A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig