the #horror is real!
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
i wish i could marry a nap
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
What
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?