The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
My warrants are pretty outstanding.