The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Feel. He’s so soft.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
