The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.