The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Math at Halloween.
