Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.