The horror. The apostrophe’s.
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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I feel attacked.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!