The horror. The apostrophe’s.
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
😾
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
She puts the hot in psychotic
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.