The horror. The apostrophe’s.
You Might Also Like
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.