Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose