The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’m not stressed
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*