Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

Monday

the rocks need my help

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?