Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

OKAY DAD