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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.