Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

Lmao the reply

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*