the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
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MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Why is everyone getting married at me
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards