The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
The point of your 20s
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.