The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share