The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo