The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
You Might Also Like
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood