Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.