THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”