THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Boating season is upon us.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.