the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Truth
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
