the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
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Glasses
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.