The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
You Might Also Like
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.