The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
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We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.