Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.