“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
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My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit