“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
boys are so easy to impress
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles