Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS
Me: Ok I-
CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*buys my kids a PlayStation 4
*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games
*starts drinking heavily