“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
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[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
These 3D printers are insane!
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city