@WritePlay

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

You Might Also Like

@Marcmywords2

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

@Bob_Janke

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

@jazmasta

Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.

@recursivetaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

@yeaanotherchris

*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

@FattMernandez

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@GroovyTasia

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

@drinksmcgee

*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily