Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

Thank you corporation very cool

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real