The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
You Might Also Like
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*names my little horse OneTrick*
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”