The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
You Might Also Like
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you