The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
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My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t