The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”