Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.