The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?