The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
You Might Also Like
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
girls literally only want one thing..
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!