The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
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Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!