The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
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“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.