The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
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*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Bro what is this
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
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Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.