The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Safety first
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that