Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

starting a garage orchestra

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Cow it started Cow it’s going

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels