The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
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North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.