the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
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Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”