the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
You Might Also Like
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Social Media and Real life
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done