Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

Well, that should do it

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.