The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
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Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]