The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My favorite female superhero
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.