The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
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I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Proctology is located in A55
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.