The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”