The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute