The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Breaking news:
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.