The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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Spell check is for lasers.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers