Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.