The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going