The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
You Might Also Like
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.