Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

6. me as a lawyer

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

Wise advice