Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

Frankenstein?

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy