The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
BaD BoY!!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
