I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken
And no toilet paper.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the “Whoomp”?
Oh, there it is.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂