The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
$4 #usedbooks
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.