The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
You Might Also Like
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school