@DethOnTwoLegs

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

- @DethOnTwoLegs

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@JohnHilsen

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

@rockymomax

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

@DaddyJew

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

@nbadag

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

@DirtMcTurd

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

@ledbettercarly

How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:

“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”

End of the movie: both sobbing

@Sickayduh

“I think it’s about time we had a white president”

– 8 year olds

@amydillon

[sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand]

“Squeeze once if that’s an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password.”

@datingdecisions

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.