The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
This is my bus stop.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.